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I'm talking about those people that seem to have to be right up in your face to talk to you. I mean, literally, IN YOUR FACE. Which, in itself, is bad enough, but when their breath smells like what two warthogs in heat smells like (don't ask why I know two warthogs in heat smell like - I've been advised by legal counsel not to explain), it transcends discomfort and winds up triggering your flight or fight response. Much like you'd experience if you encountered a dangerous animal. Or a United States Congressman. Pick flight, since fight only brings you in even closer contact with them.Who ARE these people? You know almost immediately when you've encountered one - a conversation starts with a reasonable, respectable buffer zone between you, then they start slowly, inexorably advancing on you, like a zombie (who hasn't lost their ability to speak, sadly). You back up a step, then they close the gap by two steps, like the round boulder from Indiana Jones' Raiders of the Lost Ark. Or the perfume/cologne snipers in your larger department stores - and why is it illegal to punch those little scent assassins? I just don't understand our justice system. But, I digress. Back to the face-talkers.
Why does it always seem that these face-talkers are always taller than you? So that you can count the cavities in their upper teeth before passing out (see warthog reference, above)? Or is it that you can now admire their luxuriant nose hair up close, which is often so out of control that you'd have to get in their with a commercial-grade weed whacker to make a dent in that National Geographic-level foliage? Maybe they shouldn't clean it up - perhaps the next wonder drug may come from that nasal rain forest. They could be hiding the next erectile dysfunction or hair loss drug - you know, the important drugs, not something frivolous like a breast cancer drug. Could be there's even an endangered lemur or two hanging out in there as well. Better safe than sorry and save the napalm.
There's only a few sure-fire methods of getting away from these space invaders...and I'm going to share some with my readers. One of my favorites is to fake a stroke - very effective, but since you can only use this once on a person (unless they're really stupid - not an unheard-of complimentary trait of space invaders), it should be saved for a space invader that's a relative stranger. Unless, of course, it's at Thanksgiving or some other family function, where it doubles the escape value. Another way is to explosively vomit on them. I'm talking full-on exorcist-level projectile vomiting. Works every time, and can be used again on the same person; just blame it on food poisoning, or eating White Castle or Hot Pockets. Or you could fire Tic-Tacs rapid-fire into their mouth - c'mon, they're so close you can hardly miss - until they get the message.
Or, of course, you could also just fire a laser cannon at them from your space ship. Peace.
