Groin Tackle

On December 2, 2013, tight end Vernon Davis of the San Francisco 49ers was tackled by St. Louis Ram safety T. J. McDonald. BY THE GROIN. Watching an NFL player get tackled in his most sensitive area (surprisingly, not his bank account), as unpleasant as it was to watch, had to pale in comparison to actually having another player tackle you by grabbing your groin and dragging you down. Sure, this is perfectly acceptable in the dentist's office, where you reach over and grab the dentist and say, "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?", but on the football field? C'mon, man. That kind of behavior has no place in a civilized sport, where, until recently, it was perfectly acceptable to charge full speed with your head down and spear another player in their head, spleen or spine with your helmet. I mean, we're not animals, are we?

There should be a penalty for this, and it should be devastating: like making the offender watch 16 straight hours of C-SPAN. Or perhaps rooming with Dennis Rodman for a week (here or in North Korea, I don't think it really matters). Or appearing in a Miley Cyrus video. Listen, we're okay with brain damage, lacerated internal organs, spinal cord injuries, etc., but you have to draw the line somewhere, and I think it should be drawn directly around the groinage area.

Lest you think this is purely a football thing, let me assure you, it is not. It happens in other sports as well, albeit with less frequency as the opportunities to grope each other are pretty high in football. I assure you this happens in basketball all the time, having played the game myself and thus been the gropee, and it probably happens in Hockey, Rugby and maybe even Curling (although the cold weather makes this more difficult). They don't do this in Baseball since they're already grabbing themselves incessantly, in a manner not at all unlike monkeys grooming themselves. Hockey fights are the most advantageous time for gropage to occur, when the gloves come off, since trying to grab someone in their nether region with those gloves on is like trying to eat soup with chopsticks. In Rugby, scrums are likely the best time to grope, but I think the technical term in that sport is "asking for a date".

I believe the NFL should create a penalty for this, and I'm thinking an eye for an eye - the offending player should also be hit big time in a very sensitive area. And this time I AM talking about their bank account. And wouldn't you love to hear the ref announce a "groinage infraction"? You know you would. Peace.