I'm catheter-free!! (and no longer allowed on the couch)

Yes indeedy, the catheter has been removed. I'm thrilled, but also feeling somewhat vulnerable. How could this make me feel vulnerable, you ask? Picture this - I'm taking one of my recuperative walks. I get accosted by a bad guy. I'm still weak, stomach still distended and sore, and I'm not supposed to be exerting any force that exceeds lifting anything heavier than 5 pounds. I'm pretty much helpless.

But, had I still had my catheter and accompanying bag, I could swiftly detach the bag from my leg and smack my assailant across the face with it. It would likely burst when it strikes him. That's right, he's now covered in someone else's urine. He doesn't recover from that, he doesn't continue the fight - basically, he'll have to set himself on fire to ever feel clean again. There's really no other option.

Think of how society could benefit from this - instead of tasers, police would have catheter bags. Instead of tear gas - urine mist. Instead of nuclear payloads, fit a missile with several hundred gallons of urine. Tea party members of Congress acting like adolescents - well, you get the idea. We could even rate the strengths - vegan would be mild, asparagus eaters would be moderate, those not hydrating enough: commercial strength. Labeling them shouldn't be an issue since Monsanto's not involved.

This could trickle (sorry) into so many areas of our lives. At a sporting event? Maybe a MLB game, but dreading the incredibly long lines at the restrooms (not to mention the unsanitary conditions), and also not wanting to miss any of the game? Problem solved. What about tailgating? Now you won't have to miss one of your buddies vomiting into the back of someone else's pickup truck before the game even starts. It's all good. When I think of all the money parents spend on karate lessons for their kids, when a simple catheter solves so many problems - self defense, bed-wetting, having to stop every 30 minutes on car trips, hell, just the amount of time saved cleaning bathroom toilets (for families with boys) would be worth it. I can't believe no one has thought of this before. You're welcome. Peace.