Buh-bye, Cancer

So this my last day with cancer. I'll be having surgery tomorrow and they're doing it robotically. That's right, robots - which, if you think about it, are just precursors to terminators. True, they're really, really early model terminators: pre-Schwarzenegger versions.

These robots will probably be more like a Sheldon Cooper version of terminators; really smart but not much of a physical threat. But still - robots. How cool is that? Although, robots against cancer - not much of a fight, is it? Poor cancer, you never had a chance. But I will not be sorry to see you go.

You have to appreciate how cancer multiplies recklessly, takes over other systems, destroys everything it can until, if not removed, finally consumes the very host that sustains it. It's like Congress that way, only not as bad. Or evil. Or selfish. 2014's coming up folks...let's not forget the Congressional approval rating is currently below that of... cancer.

But back to me-  it's my last day to use cancer as an excuse. And I have been. Seriously - for everything; at work, at home, during traffic stops, etc. I know that sounds callous, but it works.
"Sorry I'm late, but... I have cancer."
"Oh, did you want that last piece of pizza? I was going to eat it, because, you know... cancer."
"Sorry I was doing 75 mph in the shoulder, but..." well, you get the idea. Even my daughter was jumping on the bandwagon:
Me: "I won't it make to your game today, Sweetie, because..."
Her: "I know... cancer." You have learned well, grasshopper. My eyes well up.

So, day before/of surgery instructions/fun. Eat light - got it, I'll forego the slice of anemic tomato on my triple cheeseburger with bacon. I can sacrifice. Stop taking NSAIDs (Aleve, Motrin, Advil, etc.) because they can cause bleeding. Wouldn't want any bleeding in surgery - got it. I notice marijuana's not on that list. Not that I use it, but - good to know. "No eating or drinking after midnight the night before your surgery." Oh well, so no marijuana and subsequent ravaging of the supermarket's cookie aisle @ 3AM - got it. Again, not that I use it. Marijuana, not the supermarket. Hey, quick digression: here's a tip to let you know if someone knows ANYTHING about what they're talking about (this applies to many things, but especially those things technological): if they put "the" in front of it, they don't know much about it. Witness: "Is she on the drugs?" "Oh yes, I use the Facebook all the time." "I don't like the Obama." You're welcome.

Wait a minute - back up here. No coffee in the morning before surgery? Are you freaking kidding me?!?!? No no no, Memorial Sloan-Kettering - now you've gone too far. I must have my morning java. It's the secret elixir that makes me human each day. My wife tries not to make eye contact with me until that first sip. She's a very wise woman.Without coffee, you shouldn't even be operating on me - a veterinarian should, and only then after having  tranquilized and muzzled me. There better be something caffeinated added to that IV. Just sayin'. Peace.