Pre-op is Like Foreplay

Pre-op is like surgery's foreplay. There, I've made it pretty easy for you to decide whether you want to keep reading or not. C'mon, my last post was about Viagra - is this really a surprise as a follow-up? Note: my blood pressure measures higher at Memorial Sloan-Kettering than any place in the universe. I keep telling them that I'm a boring 120/72 kind of guy everywhere else, and they always ask, "Are you nervous?" Now why would I be nervous ?

Running out of arms

Seriously, is there anything more entertaining than a day full of answering the same questions over and over again, and being poked, prodded, pricked, X-Rayed, MRI'd, etc.? I contend there is not. But do I really need an 8 hour day of this for a 3-5 hour surgery? Apparently, yes. Good thing they keep asking you your name and date of birth, because at one of my 4 appointments, I was greeted with, "Hi, Mr. Fernandez!" Oh crap. Me: "Um, nooooo, I would be Mr. Rose." Them, cheerily: "Well, it's a good thing I asked!" Why, yes indeedy, good for you. Note to self: write my name all over my abdomen. With a Sharpie. Maybe even the name of the procedure. And my date of birth. Possibly my wife's cell phone number if clarification is needed once I've been sent to la-la land. Maybe end with "remove prostate, not penis". Color me concerned, as this IS the #2 cancer hospital in the country.

Then there was the "consent" doctor, who signs off on everything to make sure I'm okay for surgery, even though all my tests are not yet completed at this time. He seemed genuinely perplexed at the number of surgeries/injuries I had, and wanted me to list them, complete with dates. I can't remember what I had for dinner last night, yet I'm supposed to remember ~20 surgeries, broken bones, dislocations, etc.. But the kicker was when he mentioned I still had my MRI to do (no surprise there), and that they would probably be doing the MRI with a rectal probe (BIG surprise there). Very, VERY long pause. Me: "I'm sorry, but did you say... RECTAL probe?!?!?" Him: "Yes, that's the best way for them to look at the prostate, I'm sure that's what they'll be doing. It's no big deal, after all the things you've been through." No big deal. Reassuring. I withheld the fact that there's been so many visits to my rectum by so many different people in the last couple of months, that it should soon appear as a tourist attraction on Yelp.

So, for those of you who stuck around long enough, how is Pre-op like foreplay? It lasts longer. No one tends to fall asleep during it (well, not if you're doing it right). It really does help you for what comes next. And, it tends NOT to involve scalpels. As for my blood pressure measuring higher at MSK than anywhere else? I'm thinking hearing the words "rectal probe" may have something to do with it. Peace.