Catheter the Great

Cancer's one of those things that most people keep private. But when the majority of people are unaware of what's going on, no one wins. It's like Congress that way. But not me, and that's one of the reasons I blog about it - ignoring it doesn't make it go away, and blogging about it may help someone. It certainly helps me.

Ok, so back to being snarky about this whole cancer thing. So far we've covered ninjas, Kegel exercises, pelvic floors, erectile dysfunction and incontinence. Let's face it, that's a whole lot of fun right there. I mean, throw in an infection and we're talking PAR-TY. But what's a real party without a catheter?

Every guy reading this just shifted uncomfortably in their seat (psst, it doesn't go in your seat, guys). It's an interesting juxtaposition: minimally invasive surgery/maximally invasive bladder control. Like anything there's pros and cons. The pros? Pretty much limited to the one: the fact that you can relieve yourself at any time, without moving. Anytime. While eating, watching TV, having a conversation, even walking. I'm serious - you can simultaneously urinate while driving - no more rest stops!! Women won't understand this, but improving your door-to-door time for men is our holy grail. You know what I'm talking about. Try to do any of those without the use of a catheter and you'll likely be arrested, slapped, asked to leave the restaurant, lower your trade-in value, etc. It's basically stealth urination. They should give these things to spies. Maybe they do - how would we know?

The cons? There are many, starting foremost with: eww. Secondly, they insert a 115 foot tube into your manhood! Okay, it's not 115 feet long, but if that's the part that concerned you, then I submit you are not a male. It will be (or at least SHOULD be), the first time something has gone INTO that particular part of your anatomy. That's just wrong. Anywhere. Anytime.

I've had this pleasant experience a few times in conjunction with surgeries. Sometimes they do it while you're still under, other times after you've woken up. Do yourself a favor and request it be done while you're in a semi-coma; this is not something you want to be a cognizant party to. It's much better to wake up and wonder, "Hmm, I wonder where that tube goes?". Don't worry, the nurses are used to the anguished screams of discovery. It lets them know you're awake and also that you have, indeed, discovered you've been catheterized.

It's really the removal you need to be concerned with, and, more importantly, the current state of emotion of the nurse who will be removing it. Catch them at a good time, i.e., they've just been told they're getting a raise and shorter shifts, and they will gently and tenderly remove it, telling you what a big, brave boy you are while they do so. Catch one that has just learned her husband has been sleeping with her sister, and she will likely pretend she is starting a 27", gas-powered, 6 forward gear snow thrower. If you were the one above who focused on the length of the tube instead of it's entry point, I'll spell it out for you: You're the snow thrower. Ouch. Peace.